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The Intersection of Life and Improv

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Fear

You don’t need confidence

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CourageOne of the first changes I wanted to make when I started this journey of self improvement, was to have more confidence.  Everything I heard and read was something like “people are attracted to confidence” or “everything stems from confidence”, or when you have confidence “doors of opportunity will open.”

Google defines confidence as “a feeling of self-assurance arising from one’s appreciation of one’s own abilities or qualities.”

“So how do I get confidence?” I wondered.  

How do I gain this “self-assurance” when I have none?  It felt like every other chicken and egg scenario: getting a job without experience, spending money to make money, etc.  

My first thought was practice.  I’ll just practice being confident.  I’ll fake it until I make it.  While I believe that this can improve your mindset, there is one thing that can help even more.

Courage

According to Google, courage is defined as “the ability to do something that frightens one”.  You’re acknowledging that fear but moving past it.  I feel this is the core of building confidence and have found that the better you are at facing your fears about one thing, the easier is it to transfer that courage to other areas.  

For me, improv helped tremendously with building courage. Facing the fear of messing up a scene is something I had to work hard to overcome when I first started improv.  I was fearful of the unknown in the middle of that stage.  I would get stuck in my head worrying and stressing over doing the right thing.  

The more I forced myself to step out on stage, the less fearful I became.  I was building proof to myself that my fear was unfounded and made up in my head.

So how do I build courage

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

 

  • Accept that you might fail, but refute failure.  It’s going to be hard to pick yourself up after you fail.  It might even sting a little.  For me this was one of the toughest challenges.  Be OK with failing.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill

 

  • Try a lot.  This reinforces that failure is something you can overcome.  Soon, you won’t be afraid of failure.  The activity that once scared you will be common, like tying your shoes.

“The secret to happiness is freedom… And the secret to freedom is courage.” – Thucydides

 

  • Shift your focus.  Choose to dwell on something other than the thing that scares you.  In improv, this could be deep listening or being ready to step out and support your team.  In public speaking, this could be focusing on the content of your presentation and how your audience will benefit from it vs the fear of speaking.

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” – Aristotle

 

Building confidence will happen if you work hard enough. The real hurdle is getting started and taking that first step.  It’s facing fear over and over with courage that builds confidence.  Forget “how do I build confidence?”  The real question is “how do I build courage?”

Starting Conversations

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ConversationsI’m not a very outgoing person.  I typically wait until people introduce themselves, or recognize that I’m there before speaking to them.  It’s not that I don’t enjoy meeting and talking with people, but I feel as if I’m burdening them.

It’s also unnerving and vulnerable for me to put myself out there and risk rejection.  I fill my head with “what if this person doesn’t want to meet me?”, “Am I significant enough to be talking with this person?”, “Are they going to respond positively to what I have to say?”, “Do they even want to talk about what I have to say?”

Instead, I just wait to see if they indicate that they want to talk.

Recently, I had an improv audition and ended up not being selected.  I was bummed, so I sought out some notes on how I could improve.  My feedback from my performance was that I had vague scene initiations.  I didn’t start the scene with a clear specific line that would give the other person a sense of who or where we are.

The thing is, by starting with a vague initiation, I’m putting the pressure on the other person to figure out what I’m talking about, how I feel, and who we are to each other.  That’s a lot.  Especially if I’m not used to improvising with them.

I realized the same thing applies when meeting or speaking with people.  

My shyness and lack of confidence puts pressure on the other person to say something or stand there in awkward silence.  Being a good scene partner and conversationalist means making the other person feel at ease and comfortable.

So why not do something to take the pressure off the other person?  Give that other person a chance to feel relaxed.  Choose to begin with something specific.

“Each person’s life is lived as a series of conversations.” –  Deborah Tannen

Sometimes it doesn’t even matter what we begin talking about since conversations change and evolve based on the interests of the people involved.  We just need to start.

Deciding to begin a conversation for me is a difficult hurdle to get over.  Knowing that I am helping the other person out by initiating, allows me to focus on that benefit instead of all of the negative self-talk.  What if the other person also deals with social anxiety or is shy?  Imagine how they might feel if you started talking with them.

Yes, I was disappointed I wasn’t selected after my audition, but I learned something.  I realize that I don’t start conversations.  Even though I consider myself to be a shy person, knowing that I can take the strain off of the other person can push me to introduce myself or strike up a conversation.  I only need to make the choice to begin.

Figure it out as you go

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PathHave you ever felt pressured to live your life a certain way?  That you need to follow steps A, B, then C?

I have.

For a long time I thought there was a specific way and order to live life. You go to college, get a job, get married, then you buy a house, then you have kids, you work for the rest of your life at a job you love, you retire, and then you have all this free time to enjoy life.

Being locked into that mindset created stress about whether I was doing the right things in the right order.  It caused me to focus on obtaining these things instead of aspiring for the things that would bring me happiness.  It prevented me from enjoying the process.

The path of life for everyone looks different.  There is no right or wrong way to live.

This is something that took many years for me to realize.

We have the freedom to create whatever type of life we want to live and to make our own decisions.  The life path I create for myself is going to be different than the life path you create; but neither one is wrong or right.

It’s impossible to have the exact same path that someone else has, or the one society says we need.  We’re all going to experience life through our own perceptions, attitudes, opinions, etc.

There’s no defined path in life, just the path you define.

Sometimes, we just need to start and figure it out as we go.  No two paths that are the same.  By being on your own path, you’re going to encounter failures or moments when things feel like they’re not going your way.

It’s OK to make mistakes.

This is undoubtedly why I feel the need to know everything before I start; why I’m compelled to accumulate information before allowing myself to have any real world experience.  I’m scared of the unknown and making mistakes

There is no training like real world experience.

Be OK with not having everything figured out before you start living.  That is part of the process.  It is what allows us to figure out what works and what doesn’t..

In improv we act, then react.  We build the scene together, but we have to be open to new possibilities within the scene.  Be flexible.  If you hand your scene partner an imaginary pen and they say thanks for the ⅜” box wrench, you have to accept that it is now a ⅜” box wrench.  Clinging to your idea that it is still a pen will send the scene off course.  

In real life, it’s OK to walk into a conversation with a topic in mind, but if the topic changes, you have to go with it or you risk the person losing interest.  Don’t become a conversation narcissist.  Don’t be so set on one path that you miss an opportunity for another.

Be in the now moment.  Be open to other paths.

“Fall, then figure out what you’re doing on the way down.” – Del Close

Have you ever felt pressure to live a certain way?

Get Trying

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TryingI never tried many new things.  This whole blog thing is new to me.  I would talk myself out of doing things because I was fearful of the outcome.  The uncertainty was crippling.  “What if this happened….what if it doesn’t?”  I would run through 10 scenarios in my head and come up with reasons as to why or why not to try something.

…but the truth is, life is full of uncertainty and what if’s.

We just have to accept that.  Accept that we only control a few tiny (in the grand scheme of things) things in our lives.  

Think about not trying for a second. Think about how you will feel. Think about the missed opportunities. Think about what will happen if you don’t try.  

What happens if you never go over and talk to that person?  Think about what happens if you don’t continue doing what you like?  

Even if the outcome isn’t what you want.  The cost of not trying is greater than doing nothing. You still tried.  Besides, what’s the worst that could happen?  If you’re asking someone out, they say no? Who cares, they’re loss.  You practiced.  You learned.  You gained confidence. You showed yourself that you can do it.  

“Just try it. You might like it!” – every parent

In improv, we get to try something new with every decision we make.  Most improvisers will make a new choice instead of using something they previously created.  This feeling of trying something new is very addictive for improvisers (at least for me!).  It’s scary and exhilarating at the same time and the bolder the choice, the more exciting it is for the players.

Making decisions like this leads to unexplored territory for everyone in the scene.  Sometimes, it’s magical.  Sometimes, it’s terrible.  Making decisions like this takes practice.

“When we give ourselves permission to fail, we, at the same time, give ourselves permission to excel.” – Eloise Ristad

We might find ourselves in a scene environment (bus stop, school, police station) where we’ve been before, but the actors can choose to have a different emotion, point of view, or mannerisms and add new life into an otherwise normal setting.

What would happen if either actor never did anything new?  Image watching this and thinking how boring and predictable the scene would be.

“Trying sounds Great…but how do I do it?”

Glad you asked.

 

Step 1. Accept uncertainty and be comfortable with it.

I’m telling you now: It’s OK to not know when starting something new.  It’s OK to not have any idea how things are going to work out.  Nothing is certain.

“We must become more comfortable with probability and uncertainty.” – Nate Silver

Step 2.  Remove your preconceived idea that failure is bad.  

I struggled with this.  There are no negative outcomes.  Whatever happens, you can always learn something.Accept the fact that not getting your desired outcome is part of learning.  Imagine for a moment that you never fail.  How would this make you feel?  Would you be more likely to attempt new things?  Would you be more likely to start speaking to a total stranger?  Yes, you may not achieve your desired outcome the first time.  Do not expect anything when trying.  Just merely do.

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” – Winston Churchill

Step 3.  Do the thing.

Action.  Plain and simple. Just start. Your actions define who you are.  

“Action is the foundational key to all success.” – Pablo Picasso

Step 4.  Repeat

Without practice and repetition, trying doesn’t exist.  (That’s basically the definition…right?)  This is where change happens.  Don’t expect to change by doing something once.

“You are what you do repeatedly.” Tony Robbins

Go and try.  You might fail, but you also might succeed and you won’t know until you try.

What is holding you back from trying?

Overcoming Uncertainty

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UncertaintyUncertainty is something I struggle with everyday.

I want to know what will happen.  I want everything to be perfect.

I know that someday I’ll be better, so maybe I’ll do it correctly then.  I get stuck thinking about the future, while missing the present.

It’s only human behavior to be concerned about what might happen.

Striking a balance between certainty and uncertainty is difficult for us.  We need certainty for our basic needs, but we also need uncertainty to keep us interested and growing.  Curiosity vs. Worry.  The problem is when uncertainty is crippling.

I’d love to craft a perfect post about uncertainty, but will it be perfect?  Will it be inspiring?

“Have no fear of perfection – you’ll never reach it.” ― Salvador Dalí

I’m uncertain that anyone will read this post and if I let that get to me, uncertainty could prevent me from ever hitting the publish button.

Dealing with Uncertainty

One way of dealing with uncertainty is letting go of the outcome and knowing that everything will be OK.  It’s difficult because we have doubt, but there will always be doubt.

Giving without expectation is one way I deal with uncertainty.  “I’m just going to put this out there and see what happens.”

Uncertainty is a scary thing, but it’s where growth and new experiences live.  Certainty is where complacency and mediocrity live.

In improv, every scene starts with not knowing. There is no script, which can be terrifying especially when you are starting out.  When I began, I was so anxious and worried that I would say the wrong thing.  As I learned, practiced, failed, and failed again; I realized that as long as I listened and reacted honestly, I would be OK.  Even if I had a bad scene, it wasn’t the end of the world.  I would get another opportunity to get better.

I gave up on perfect and focused on the moment.  I accepted the fact that there would always be something better to do or say, but I can’t wait for that to happen in a scene.  Life will not wait for you to make perfect decisions.

Now, I get excited about improvising and life.  I can’t wait to see how each scene turns out.

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.”  – Gilda Radner

How do you deal with uncertainty?

Just Start

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ChairI wanted this first post to be a well-written, interesting, and compelling work of art…but it’s not.

I had several ideas that I wanted to start with, some of them are semi-developed.

I thought, “soon, one of these ideas will be finished and I’ll finally hit the publish button.  I just need some more time staring at one of these half formed articles and then I’ll magically have the insight to craft something perfect.”

…but the whole time I was ignoring a basic principle of improv.

Starting.

In improv, sometimes  you have no idea how to initiate a scene but you just take a step out and start.  Start anything. Moving, motioning, speaking. Literally anything.  I realized that I wasn’t following this idea with this site.  The truth is, sometimes it takes starting to gain a little momentum and only then does the scene become interesting.

What was I waiting for?  Greatness.  I was waiting to publish something amazing but I was worried that I would be starting this site off on the wrong foot.  I was scared that whatever I wrote wouldn’t be good enough.  Do I expect this to be the best written piece of work ever to appear online?  Can I articulate exactly what I am thinking?  What if I fail?

“Perfect is the enemy of the good.”

In improv, it’s just one scene. Just start again. Try, learn something, and just start over.

I realized that I will get better over time, but only if I try.  I started taking m own advice on living life through the principles of improv.

“Excellence is not a singular act.”

Sometimes getting started is the hardest part.  Trust yourself.  Take that step out on to the stage.  

Just Start.

 

What do you want to start today?